This Month’s Top 3 Reasons Radiohead Should Just Call it Quits

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Radiohead is a band we have all heard of, from our most self-absorbed, pseudo-intellectual friends and from magazines that need to fill space between 15 and 19 on their year-end top 20 lists, but does anyone actually care about them anymore? Did anyone ever? In the 90’s it was hip to like Radiohead, who were, themselves, a clone of a superior band, U2. To call Radiohead the ‘thinking man’s U2′, is simply an insult to U2, and it would be far more appropriate to call them a version of U2 gone retarded and feels like it’s coming onto you in a fake british accent. So let’s get right into this months top 3 reasons why Radiohead should take a hint, and finally disband.
1. The British Have Nothing to Be Sad About

Stop playing the victim, Thom.
Thom Yorke makes some ‘sad’ songs, I’m told. This entitled British snob wants to sell you the idea that even he, practically royalty in a wealthy, economically stable country, can have sad feelings. It’s not even like he’s Australian. One day, the silver spoons just weren’t shiny enough, the fencing lessons were just ever so droll, and the butler over-starched his favorite polo. Yeah, Thom, you’re sad.

So then — Radiohead.

No one thinks Thom Yorke is a creep, but he writes about it as though he’s actually experienced rejection, some fleeting disapproval from some skank while his money rolls in, maybe! Thom Yorke has been ripping off U2 and the riveting genius of living demi-god, Bono, since the early 1990’s, at least. That being said, a recent poll conducted here at Civic Tribune has named England the nation which America would feel the least empathy for in the event of a natural disaster or act of terrorism, many of the responses cited Radiohead as their ONLY reference point. Hmm, interesting. After 9/11, when people with real problems were shown on every worldwide network, no one was buying the Eurosexual market anymore, leaving Thom Yorke to whine elsewhere. Cry me a river, rich boy. Wipe away your tears with all your glorious money. You can spare a pound to wipe away the tear of the world’s saddest multi-millionaire, can’t you?

2. No One is Good Enough to Listen to Radiohead

Let’s face it, Radiohead is an expensive band. When is the last time Radiohead played a show in Siberia? When’s the last time they played in Port au Prince? Do any of your friends in Vietnam have any live favorite Radiohead songs? Neither do mine. Black people don’t listen to Radiohead. CT went to the streets of Chicago and asked over a dozen homeless people if they had ever been to a Radiohead concert, and unsurprisingly, none of them could afford to. “It’s clear that Radiohead is intended for a certain social class”, our resident sociologist, Dr. Sanjay Tanka, tells CT, “Frankly I’m surprised that I’ve even heard of Radiohead, and I make over $600,000 yearly. And I’m not even British.”

Among the hipsters and scenesters that make up the fanbase of Radiohead, an unsurprising 10% of them have actually listened to their music, although 99% of them have listed them in their list of favorite bands (near the bottom). Radiohead only uses premium instruments because that is what Thom Yorke feels he deserves, and therefore the music of Radiohead is inoffensive and inspiring to the ears of other unnecessarily famous musicians, such as Coldplay and David Gray.

Famously, Thom Yorke proved not even other celebrities are good enough to shake his hand, when he gave Jack Black the cold shoulder at the Bridge School benefit concert in 2002. “He slapped Jack’s hand away, and we were all just looking like ‘oh my god, Thom Yorke is going to assault Jack Black’”, our source goes on, “But someone explained to Jack later on that Thom is British.”

3. Coldplay

The existence of Radiohead lingered until a fungus formed, and from that fungus, Coldplay emerged to reiterate the deepest emotions of attractive white guys from England with even more racially biased music for the purest of the socio-economically elite. Not only has Radiohead spawned nearly a perfect clone of itself, this clone now saturates the music industry with songs from both bands that are virtually indistinguishable from one another, even to industry experts.

“One of the things we screen for, whenever Radiohead releases a new song, is,” industry expert Pat Matheson explains, “Radiohead, or Coldplay? Is this song by Radiohead, or is this Coldplay?” Pat works with a team at Cal-Tech that can analyze specific sound frequencies that would determine at 97% accuracy, whether or not the song being played is, in fact, Radiohead or Coldplay. This industry technique is what’s known as ‘crossing the streams’, when a band sells out and peripherally invents a lesser, though identical band, and then merges the popularity of the two into a mainstream blight. Each day, radio stations play the wrong tracks because there’s almost no known ways to tell which songs are Coldplay and which are Radiohead, which begs the question, “Is Coldplay even real?” Well, some could argue that in theory they aren’t.

Other artists that have used this technique are Phil Anselmo, of white supremacist nu-metal bands Pantera and Down, Maynard James Keenan, vocalist of nu-metal band A Perfect Circle and rap-rock band Tool, and Trent Reznor. While absolutely comparable to all of these bands, Coldplay / Radiohead use their own style of emotional British nu-metal to fill the music industry with the market of unaffordable British angst.

These are this month’s most discussed reasons for why Radiohead should put a sock in it already. If you ask me, you guys have some really fabulous reasons, but we’re always looking to hear more.

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